Staying grounded in the present while planning for the future.
You have to live the life you have right now. I have to remind myself of that. Lately though I’ve been feeling like my life is in a holding pattern. I have a set destination but I can’t land yet, and I’m unintentionally frozen in time to focus on arrival. David and I are planning a cross-country move, and along with that goal comes with what feels like millions of tasks to actualize it. It means he’s looking for a new job. We have to sell our house. We have to buy a new one. We have to establish new roots, make new local friends, and find a new community. The timing of all of this, however, is contingent on several outcomes I'm not quite ready to dig into publicly yet, but are significant logistical hurdles we have to deal with.
Everything and nothing is in our hands to make it all happen. We simultaneously have all the control to set certain tasks in motion and no control over the outcomes. So it’s hard to continue living our current lives when we’re so driven to make our plans reality, but we have to wait on all contingencies before truly moving forward on everything else. Ultimately we’re aiming for the end of summer to be fully moved out there, and it feels very close and very far away at the time with everything as it stands which doesn’t help this feeling of a holding pattern on life.
I have this imagined life I want to live when we’re out in Vermont. I want to get involved in whatever community we land in with local organizations, schools, co-ops. I want to spend weekends perusing farmers markets, antique stores, and estate sales to find pieces to fill out our home. I want to take day trips to small towns and coastal cities and get to know New England. I want to join a pottery studio, learn how to make beautiful bowls and vases, and make friends who want to hang out after class with good food and drinks.
For some reason that imagined life sometimes feels mutually exclusive from continuing to live my life here, even though I know it’s not! For me the mentality is as if it’s a waste to allow yourself to enjoy those pleasures, make those friendships, and get involved somewhere just because you’re planning on leaving. Or like in some ways I should delay all of my personal goals just because they’re new and it doesn’t make sense to start new projects at this point. My logical brain knows it’s not a waste of time or energy, but my reptile brain marred by experience and fear wants to tell me not to get in too deep. But again, I have to live my life now, in my current reality.
I recently finished up a 6-week in-person tarot course. It was completely worth it to build those skills and relationships, even if I wont get to progress further with that instructor or class community once I move. I hesitantly joined a local walking group, full of new STL transplants and people who’ve lived here for years, looking for new friends and ways to get active outside the home. I have loved it so far, as it pushes me out of my comfort zone talking to new people and it gets me out of the house where I’m pent up all day, everyday. It feels worth it to get to know these women even if I might never talk to them again once I move or we become relegated to mutual followers on Instagram until the end of time (or Instagram).
But I notice that holding pattern feeling creeping in at the edges, when I’m leafing through the local guides and see a show or event set for a couple months out that normally I’d buy tickets for. Or when I’m feeling anxious getting ready to go to a new class or the walking group. Or when I see something I’d like to buy and hang up on the wall in my dining room. I think it’s my mind trying to protect me from the grief of leaving a place I love. If I don’t continue to get in too deep, it will feel easy to leave and not look back.
I truly love St. Louis so much. I love the city, and I love the people. I’m going to miss my favorite spots and the ease of meeting up with my friends whenever I want. The comfort of having established roots. But I know we need this move and that we have to take this chance for us and I’m so excited to start that adventure (I’ll dig into the why in a future post). And I know it will hurt regardless. I think it would be easy to fade out and ghost, but that’s not the way I want to do it. Every relationship and engagement here, however brief, has been worth it and shouldn’t be denied to soften the blow of leaving. I need to feel it all.
What I’ve been up to lately:
Is anyone else not as excited to see all the blooming magnolias and other flowering trees this week because it’s SO EARLY? They’re 3 weeks ahead of schedule and while it’s really pretty, it’s like a constant anxiety-inducing reminder of climate change.
I have multiple Boston trips coming up this spring, send restaurant with patio recs close to downtown! :)
David rearranged our living room again because he was inspired by the Tiffany-style lamp (seen on the left) our dear friends nabbed for us at an estate sale. It feels much cozier in here!
I started Emily Wilde’s Encyclopaedia of Faeries. It was really hyped up to me so I’m excited, but trying to temper my expectations. The cover is so pretty!
Inside the Band Room: This piece made me nostalgic for high school marching band. The kids are alright!
Are You Okay Or Are You An Eldest Daughter? We’re not okay!!
From Slavery Abolition to Public Education, German Radicals Made American History: This was an interesting dive into some of the socialist radicals in St. Louis who have been mostly erased from state recognition. It’s making me want to dig into my German immigrant ancestors who were living here at that time to see if they were in Sigel’s infantry in the Civil War.
The Real, Sinister Political Threat of Tennessee’s New Anti-Drag Law: “The only response must be to create and insist upon public spaces exempt from policing, where trans people and gender-nonconforming people are not only tolerated or entertained as child-friendly performers, but also embraced and enabled to flourish without the demands of respectability.” If you feel inclined, join me in donating to Metro Trans Umbrella Group.
We’re almost done with a Veep re-watch. Great if you need a reliable and quick laugh. Every line is golden.
What do y’all think of Daisy Jones and the Six so far? Leave a comment with your takes. I have many thoughts!
For 90s kids and fans of ITYSL (beware of some f bombs): I probably watched this TikTok that hits exactly my sense of humor 5x in a row.
I’m on a playlist-making kick:
Favorite tarot pull from this week:
The full moon was on Tuesday, so I did this very relevant full moon in Virgo spread from @the_current_hermit.
How can I remain down to earth while allowing myself to dream? IV of Wands: I already titled/subtitled this week’s post before I found this spread, so this first question was coincidentally at the top of my mind! I’ve been thinking a lot about stability and my community and what I’m leaving behind here in STL and the new roots we’ll be making once we move. Like I mentioned in the post, living the life I have now and continuing to show up in my current relationships and commitments is what’s most important in staying connected and grounded as we make all of these big plans and put the pieces in motion to move.
What area of my life have I underrated myself? VIII of Pentacles: When I have a new challenge that gives me a lot of new skills to develop and things to learn, I often feel overwhelmed or not good enough. Or that I’m being perceived as a dead weight or unhelpful. This card was a good reminder that I am a hard, diligent worker, and to not undervalue the effort I put in to making things happen.
Why do I hold on to perfectionism? King of Cups: Because I don’t want to be perceived as anything less than an expert in my domain, and I want to come off as emotionally put together…
What am I unnecessarily overanalyzing? IX of Pentacles: I think this one is related to the IV of Wands with thinking about our move and everything we have to do in order to achieve it. The IX of Pentacles comes in to say, “you already have everything you need to achieve your goals, you’ve put in the work, now you can reap the rewards, you’re ready to make it happen.” It’s easy to fall into a scarcity mindset like I outlined in the post, so leaning into gratitude and acknowledgement of what’s working is key to stopping the spiral of thoughts around everything that we’re missing or anything that could go wrong.
That’s it for this week, thanks for reading! We’re heading to the Battlehawks home opener at the Dome this afternoon which we’re really excited for. David and I might not come off as big sports fans, but we love a campy spectacle and being part of a crowd, so we’re ready to be rowdy. I hope you’re able to spend the rest of your weekend doing something that makes you feel good, and I’ll see you next week!